Confidence Can Be Tricky

Sometimes, you walk into a room and just own it; your fellow cocktailers are friendly, your conversations flow like Veuve Clicquot, and the vibe captivates.

Other times, however, the room owns you; the crowd’s standoffish, the conversations sputter to a halt, and you’d rather be at home watching TikTok cringe than washing down another piece of brie with white wine.

Imposter syndrome rears its ugly head, and you slink away, vowing to never expose yourself to such discomfort again.

So how can you stay confident? How can you maintain the steely self-assurance of the Savoir Faire Man?

Developing confidence doesn’t happen overnight.

It’s a process.

Nevertheless, here are 7 vital steps you need to take today:

1. Realize that confidence is an inside job. Everything in your life springs from the mind. In other words, your thoughts become things. If you’re walking around your life listening to that inner critic telling you how bad you are at everything, that’s going to show up in your behaviors and results; nothing external can be purchased to cover that up permanently.

Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left hand side, write out the negative thoughts you have one by one. Then, on the right side, write out their positive counterparts. For instance, if on the negative side, you write, “I’m bad at making small talk”; on the positive side, write, “I’m amazing at making conversations.” Once you’re done, cross out all of the negative beliefs, and start memorizing the positive ones. Doing this will short circuit your brain’s negativity bias (a.k.a. the cognitive bias that has kept our species alive for millennia but hasn’t made us happy). The more you practice this new positive self-talk, the more convinced you’ll become of these new beliefs, and the higher chance of sustained confidence.

2. Remember whose negativity it is. Perhaps your confidence is flailing because of something bad that occurred in the past. Maybe you got ghosted on a date or the business proposal you worked very hard on got rejected. Yes, these circumstances can hurt and haunt us if we’re not careful. But here’s the thing: someone else’s negativity or bad behavior says nothing about you. If you’re wrestling with a past hurt or if you fear facing unpleasantness again, don’t overown the other person’s negativity and think it’s all your fault. The Savoir Faire Man doesn’t absorb other people’s garbage; he remembers that their negativity says more about them than it does about him.

3. Body language. Once you feel that you’ve done enough internal work in Steps 1 and 2, work on your physicality next. (It’s not recommended to work on body language first because without a strong mindset, you’re “faking it until making it,” and such a strategy is begging for someone to knock you off your game). In the privacy of your own home, practice the body language that conveys some of the positive self-talk you wrote in Step 1. For instance, if one of your positive statements is “I command the room when I walk in it,” how would that thought show up in your posture and upper body? Practice getting these new poses in your body (while listening to up-tempo music). Once you feel that your muscle memory has absorbed the poses, take them out into the world and live them.

4. Food matters. Are your eating choices and habits serving you? Or, are you running on fumes? Are you at a healthy weight with lean muscle, or do you need to lose a few pounds? Proper diet, nutrition, and hydration matter because if you don’t physically feel well, your mental and emotional states will be off. Now might be a good time to check out a new diet, preferably under the supervision of a doctor or professional. Once you’ve proved to yourself that weight loss is more of a mental game than a physical one, you will be unstoppable in the progress you make.

5. Work that body. Since adrenaline and endorphins are nature’s free, feel-good hormones, it’s important to boost them by exercising regularly. Choose an activity that engages you mentally and physically and that you can do on a regular basis. Team sports like basketball can rev your engine and keep you interested for hours on end. Solo sports like running may also captivate you if you listen to the right music or podcast, choose new paths, or improve your personal record run after run. Over time, you’ll find that your increased athletic confidence will naturally spill over into other areas of your life.

6. Dress for success. People judge based on appearances, so the Savoir Faire Man knows how to control his optics with the appropriate clothing. Choose high-quality, well-constructed garments that are within your budget. Make sure they accentuate your best physical features and highlight your coloring (of course, always dress appropriately for the occasion). If you need help in this department, check out some YouTube tutorials for inspiration and don’t be afraid to ask the salespeople in the store for second opinions. Assuming that their passion is fashion, they can help you with any blindspots.

7. Recognize that developing confidence is a growth process. Like anything worth doing or having in life, confidence needs to be practiced. If you feel like you have a long way to go in this department, it may take some time and effort before you retrain your brain for success. You may be bad before you’re good; you may have hiccups and stumbles before you smoothly move through every circumstance life sends your way. It’s best not to judge yourself too harshly. Instead, think of each social engagement as practice, noting what worked, what didn’t, and what to do next time. Relish in the process of becoming more confident because ultimately, the growth and improvements are where the joy lies.

Above all, have fun in becoming the Savoir Faire Man, and don’t overthink it. The more self-assurance you develop, the more life will open up to you