Dating Coach or Pick-Up Artist? - The Choice Makes Itself

Updated: Apr 5

Our culture is clearly moving towards a very isolationist tendency where people are ironically more connected than ever but less so a the same time. It is difficult to meet up any of our acquaintances unless they work with us or live right next door. Our schedules do not align at all. People in their twenties or thirties can choose many different paths to tread in their career which makes it a herculean task to sync up and get together. Now you can imagine how hard it must be to find time to date.

I have multiple friends who are suffering to several degrees from not being able to date properly. Or when they do, they have very disappointing results. The dating game along with everything else, such as politics or entertainment is quite saturated. People are looking for all sorts of things. Therefore it is increasingly difficult to navigate your love life through the expectations and mental gymnastics expected when you start talking to someone.

And if that were not hard enough then there's the perennial issue of miscommunication between the genders. Both genders overlooking signals form the other whether it indicates interest or lack thereof and it all gets lost in translation somewhere in the middle.

What happens when you have had enough of the dating purgatory and you'd really like to move forward but you just can't figure out how?

You seek help.

Or you stay lonely for a little longer wondering why repeating the same thing doesn't work and gets you moved away from purgatory to hopefully heaven. To each their own, I guess.

For those of us who want to get out, help is indeed possible. In the form of an adviser who will teach you the tricks of the language of romance so when you get to the point where you find someone you would actually like to get to know you will succeed in beginning a relationship by dating. These lovely people are called dating coaches.

Anything can be coached from your body to your interviewing skills; so why not your love-life? Dating coaches are meant to provide you with social techniques based on applied psychology that will help you approach people you like and will aid you in maintaining the chosen person's interest as well. I am pretty sure this practice helped out many a guy or gal as it absolutely seeks to give a better understanding of the differences between the genders in communication, how to bridge those differences to come across the attractive and valuable person that you are and to ultimately open up and give people the chance to find a partner in life.

An amazing dating coach who provides online content is Matthew Hussey. He has started out as a dating coach for men and then transitioned into helping women with online content and week-long getaways and he even wrote a book called 'Get the Guy'. His ideas really illuminate the tiny tricks one can easily incorporate into their own social life to become instantly more attractive to people they would like to be more appealing to. A lovely albeit obsolete gem was the story of the 'handkerchief''. Women used to throw their hankies on the ground in front of the man who they fancied inviting them to come court them. He explains the ingeniousness of this practice by stating that the man does not know he has been chosen or even invited. However he feels like he is making the first step and is also relevant as he is needed in retrieving the hanky therefor it strokes his ego. To me that seemed like a gorgeous idea of d

The distinction between dating coaches and pick-up artists is that the dignity of both parties' stays intact. Dating coaches should not call themselves that if their techniques in any way demean the opposite gender to get an effect or response. They're meant to help communicate better and gain an understanding of why your own behaviour is not successful. To help you overcome those biases that might be holding you back (self-esteem issues, past experiences etc.)based on psychological research which had been applied in the field many times with success. To advise you in techniques that are successful and that can be later transformed into valuable social skills. Check him out, for reals.

Now onto the pick-up artists...*sighs*

Perhaps the most prominent douche-bag in this industry which calls itself the wait for it,

'seduction' community is Roosh V. He also wrote several books about...well, banging women in several countries by somehow getting them to sleep with him. This somehow is unsurprisingly what his books are also about. His 'book', that I simply just call coercion manual, Bang contains diamonds like:

'Never tell a girl she's beautiful or hot , because what that does is increase her value relative to yours.(...) Not complimenting will help you because you are withholding a reward that all women want, one that they will stick around waiting for.'

Or other precious stones like :

'Don't be too concerned with sexual technique. Porn is my teacher.'

Other than these amazing notions he does not imply, nay - he claims that no means yes eventually even if a yes is never uttered. You just need to ignore it and try again. His understanding of consent is problematic at best but I believe what is more abhorrent is that he preaches to lonely, loveless people who lost hope and incites hate towards the opposite sex. Not only that but encourages rape by disregarding the validity of verbal rejection.

I don't think I have to spell it out but women are not waiting around for praise from men and even if you came up to me in a bar and did not say I was attractive - I would still be sure, that I was. Your validation while it is a lovely gesture s

hould not mediate anyone's self-esteem to the degrees that you would be dependent on that. Trust me, most women will appreciate praise. Hell, most people will appreciate praise!

This dude paints this picture of women being these despicable, inferior creatures whose only purpose for being is to be validated and ploughed by men just to be then discarded as they are considered 'used' after sexual intercourse. How romantic.

Also, anyone who is not familiar with the fact that porn is porn, a fantasy performed by professional actors therefore not real at all, needs to get a grip. The notion that one needs to learn from the theatrics of porn as to what actual intercourse should look/feel like is definitely in for an insurmountable amount of disappointment. Porn is for inspiration not imitation.

Pick-up artists are not there to help you achieve or gain any life skills helping you to maintain a relationship or even get more action in bed. Roosh himself confesses in his 'book' that his 'technique' consists more of misses than hits and that you are going to fail even if you follow his coercion manual to the letter.

If you are seeking help in finding love or just trying to get some advice in inter-gender communication then you'd do well to choose the first example as they will be worth more of your time and will provide you with a prosperous, long-term investment. Coaching people to be better communicators in general is not a negligible skill in life. I doubt you would only get improved verbal abilities out of a session but if you only come away with that I believe that to be a win. It has a much wider range of applications and will get you further in life than learning how to demean the opposite sex or how to treat them like they owe you something you haven't taken yet.

As a general rule the oft-regurgitated trope of two people being mean to each other because they secretly have the hots for one another is just that, a trope. We can actually establish that most people will not find it appealing if someone acts degrading towards them. A practice that does not encourage honest communication and mutual respect should never be anyone's guide to relationships. Admittedly, Roosh's creation does not serve the goal of developing loving, wholesome or healthy partnerships. I do not think there is anything healthy about trying to get in someone's pants who you perceive to be the human personification of garbage just to show you can. I would strongly advise anyone who comes across this thinly-veiled, apparently well-marketed, borderline-incel propaganda that quite strongly disregards the bodily autonomy of women to take it as bad satire or a dangerous insight into the mind of very bitter people who did not get or seek appropriate help. And to instead hire a professional, who knows what they're doing.

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